Random Resolution

The muse came back to me in July. (I know I’ve stated this before).  Since then, I’ve written or edited a little everyday. Not easy with 2 wee ones and a husband who’s not around a lot what with the new job and all that.  I’ve heard more than one person say that it was my own fault that the muse left in the first damn place.

Well, yeah. Okay. Pregnancy and raising twins tends to make you neglect things you want to do for things you have to do. Like survive.

I don’t remember much of the last 5-6 years, looking back on them. I can’t even identify which baby is which in the video my husband cobbled together unless one of them is laughing. I recently saw a picture that I clearly remember taking and sending off to people because it was of Frik and Frak sitting in the dryer together when they were at about the 18 month point, but the children in that picture don’t look to me anything like the kids I have now.  I can only identify Sara by the girly shirt she’s wearing. I remember the shirt, but not that she looked like that. At all.

I could also say that I’m lazy easily enough. Sure and all, I have 8 million projects either lying around in some form of started but not completed or on a list of things I’ll do. Lacking discipline? Yeah, okay. I’ll buy that. I’ve found that I can only work on one thing for so long before I have to back off and work on something else or I’ll screw up item 1 because I’m just so sick of it that I want it done right fucking now and I don’t give a damn how it looks.

I usually have to go back, tear it apart and start over again, because knowing I did it wrong and having it stare at me, mocking me, driving me insane, because I know I could’ve done better if I’d just taken my time and done it right instead of right now.  That tends to take more time.

Perhaps I am a bit like a squirrel on speed.  Not that ADD would have anything to do with that (insert sarcasm here).

But now that the muse and I are on speaking terms again, I’ve been chipping away steadily at my writing again. A few times in the last few months I’ve set deadlines for myself, but that hasn’t really worked out so well. Fatigue? Maybe. Lazy-Ass with low self-esteem? Possibly. Being entirely too damned CDO about the stupid little details? Yeah.

But maybe I’m not a goal-driven person. There are some people who are, and that’s awesome. They set their sights on a prize and they go for it.

I seem to be miserable when I do that. Oh, I use the word “goal” a lot. “My goal is to finish writing this series,” or “My goal is to lose 50 lbs.” or something other like that.

But I’ve found if I set a target completion date, I get wrapped around the axle. I screw things up. I get stressed out and an activity that’s supposed to be fun turns into a chore that I flog myself with out of some strange masochistic need to torture myself and destroy every tiny iota of joy in my life. It consumes everything, even when I’m not working on the item in question.

I don’t like that.  Life is too short for that crap.

So, I’m trying to come to terms with my sense of guilt about what others call “lacking discipline,” or “being unwilling to work to achieve blah blah blah,” or whatever.

I think I’ll make a New Year’s resolution that will quite possibly be the most difficult one I’ve ever made. I’m going to work on my creative endeavors – the writing, the sewing the knitting, the whatever-wild-hair-I-have-that-day – but I’m going to have fun doing it. No schedules, no hard lines of “it must be done this way or you’ll never succeed at anything.” I’m not in the race to beat the rabbit. I’m not even in the race to be a dick like the tortoise (He was a dick, you know. Go read the Grimm’s Fairy Tale. Tortoise wasn’t any better than Hare.).

I don’t have to prove anything to anyone about speed, or form or discipline.

I’ll have to remind myself of that, every moment of every day, but I’ll certainly give it a try.

And no one gets to tell me I’m doing it wrong.


About pjsandchocolate

A POT's SAHM w/ no brain cells, a bizzare sense of humor and delusions of literacy. Looking to vent, to laugh and possibly share some vaguely useful information.

Posted on December 8, 2013, in Depression/ADD/ADHD, Uncategorized, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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